No matter how hard I try to pretend that my appearance doesn’t matter to me, I always know it does. During the pandemic, I was very sick. I spent more time in the hospital than home and had many rounds of tough medications and treatments. All of this caused havoc on my body and its appearance.
I was on steroids constantly and not just a little Medrol pack or short course, but iv and high dose Decadron for months at a time. At one point I gained so much weight, so quickly that my stretch marks began to pull apart and tear the skin. The steroids allowed me to continue breathing and it was stressed to me that I needed them. I spent half my day on a non-invasive ventilator and sometimes the whole day. All of this took an amazing impact on my appearance.
When you add on the complications of the pandemic- not really going anywhere or being able to get to a salon, the results were dramatic to my appearance. Besides the stretch marks, which I continue to battle with every day, my hair was thinning and falling out. My once thick curly/frizzy hair became baby fine and a simple act of brushing it or washing it, led to major loss. My eyebrows thinned out as well and became almost non-existent. I hated my appearance, but also was so proud of myself for surviving.
Fast forward to October 23, 2020, I made myself an appointment at my favorite salon for a hair cut (shape) and color. I remember it was surreal to deal with the rules of the pandemic and wasn’t able to have it blown out or dried. A simple visit became a statement that I was going to “win.” Treatments weren’t going to hold me down and hold me back. I radically changed my appearance from a worn down- sick person, to a warrior, determine to fight my demons and not let the scars win. I chose to go red and loved the color change.
Little did I know that I would eventually have to shave my entire head for brain surgery. (Click here for more about that). My hairdresser at that amazing salon was with me through it all! She is a perfect example of a hero without a cape.
I will continue to not let the hard days win by ignoring my appearance when necessary, but celebrating it when possible. Today, I continue to fight with my hair- but love the curls God granted me and the wild, unpredictable nature of having curly hair.
As for the stretch marks- I am at a loss. I have decided the best thing to do is embrace them as battle scars. They stand as a testament to all I have won! While not the convention of beauty, I find them amazing- a statement of what our bodies can do for us!
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