Fiercely Independent Pam

Category: Memories

  • Seven Years Ago… The Best Decision I Didn’t Make Myself!

    I know I write about my Facebook memories a lot, or at least it seems like a lot. It really is my favorite feature of Facebook- I love looking back at the last 16+ years. On this day, seven years ago, I made it official that I was not returning to work (teaching or as a principal) but, with my doctors guidance, filed for long term disability and would be moving to Florida to spend some much needed time with my parents. I was so mad that I couldn’t make the decision for myself, I never thought I would get over that!

    At the time, I felt like a complete failure. I was a talented teacher who couldn’t teach and needed to move in with my parents at 40+ just to make ends meet. It was devastating! My entire world was turned upside down and I was faced with fitting everything I wanted with me for the foreseeable future (and Sofi, my 80+ pound lab) into my Rav4.

    I gave away most of my furniture, put some precious items in a storage unit, and packed up Sofi and I for an adventure that neither of knew what to expect. It turns out that this was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sofi got to live her best retirement life and I traded the classroom for some amazing and needed memories with my parents.

    I was worried that I would lose purpose from my life. I was worried that I would be miserable and HOT! I remember driving the many, many hours south to Punta Gorda and coming up to a stretch of the highway that was outlined in gorgeous palm trees and a bright blue sky. It was my perfect God wink that I was doing something right.

    I had about two years with my parents that consisted of sorting out their needs, pills, and insurance nightmares. We also had many nights of ice cream for dinner, car shows, and easy Sunday rides. We swam in their pool almost daily (especially Sofi) and every morning, my dad would say, “Just another day in paradise!”

    Then the harder days came, mom’s memory was failing and she was loosing mobility, she had some close calls including a major fall and emergency brain surgery followed by a long stay in rehab. Dad’s cancer began to spread and caused him a lot of pain, but he continued to do the cooking, laundry, and other jobs around the house. I taught him the wonders of the instapot and instacart and he learned all about dealing with my food allergies. Of course all of this was during Covid and we desperately needed each other’s company.

    My health continued to disintegrate. Multiple hospitalizations, needing a vp shunt, and mega doses of steroids took their toll on my body. Somehow together, we made it work. I ended up giving up my car, which was a big deal to me, little did I know that eventually I would have to give up driving all together.

    Then came the hardest days. In the same week, my dad passed away, we placed my mom in a nursing home, and I found myself alone again. Luckily, my brothers and sisters are amazing and we continued to work together to get the tasks done. My sisters ended up staying for a few weeks and it was the best kind of medicine for me! Then I found myself alone, in a house I had no business being in (too much to take care of).

    I continued to visit my mom pretty much daily at the nursing home and found that was the best thing for both of us. I showed up with an iced cappuccino from Dunkin and either a donut or munchkins each day, with the occasional break for ice cream. We planned birthday parties and I listened to some pretty crazy stories. At the time, I didn’t realize, but I would do anything to have to make one more stop at Dunkin for her!

    All in all, seven years ago a decision was made that changed every trajectory of my life, but it was the BEST decision I could’ve made. I don’t know how things would have been different but living with my parents for those years was beyond amazing. if you are living through the “caretaking” phase with your parents, just know you will barely remember the “bad” moments, but will forever remember that you were there for them, just like they were there for you!

  • Home Again: Finding My Way Back to Church! Alleluia!

    I am a self proclaimed “Cradle Catholic”, meaning I was raised in the faith and through discovery and reflection continue to practice the faith. I have had my share of “battles” with the Church, but I always find my way home. I love the traditions, sights, smells, and sounds. I love that no matter where you are, the Mass is familiar. All of this to say, after over three or four years, I found my way back to a physical Church for Mass this morning.

    Through the gift of volunteers, I have been able to receive Communion each week and join in prayers, but the actual physical act of attending Mass in a Catholic Church was not possible due to many different reasons including my health and its stability, as well as transportation needs. Again, with the help of volunteers, I found two women ready to help me with the transportation issue and I am so grateful for that.

    I was able to join in the recitation of the Rosary prior to Mass and it was the first time that I said the Rosary in a group setting since studying the Rosary using Ascension’s Rosary in a Year program. My level of understanding and devotion was much deeper than before the study. I spent this time focused on Our Lady and the gifts she has bestowed on me in the last few years.

    Then came the actual Mass, while not my favorite “flavor” of the Mass, it was amazing to be in a church with statues and art work to focus my attention on while participating in the familarness of the Mass. I was impressed by how much rote memory took over and I participated fully in the prayers. Of course the highest point was being able to receive Jesus with praise and thanksgiving.

    On a side note, I have to comment on the accessibility of the Church. Handicap entrances without any ramps or similar plus a purposeful planned handicap seating area made the experience pleasant and welcoming for sure. I hope that as my health improves, I will be able to stand more, but for the first time back, I didn’t want to cause any problems. Our churches have come a long way in the area of accessibility.

    Returning “home” is a big step in my quest for my “new normal.” I was missing visiting Jesus in His house. I didn’t realize how much I missed the rest of what comes with attending Mass in a church. The sights, smells, and bells, as it is said are comforting and give me fond memories of everywhere I have worshiped over my life. As for now, I have found my new home and can happily say I was pleasantly welcomed there!

    A large stained glass window at the front of St. Andrew's Church

  • Asthma… The Gift That Keeps Giving!

    It’s been a hot minute since I’ve struggled with my asthma/COPD. I used to have major trouble all the time, but with my IVIG treatments and leaving situations where there were triggers (mainly black mold), my lungs usually cooperate. I am on some heavy duty meds too.

    A few days ago, I started feeling pretty crappy and not really sure what was going on. Sometimes it’s like that and I have to wait and see what “pops up.” This time it was my breathing. Full on struggle bus. wheezing and super tight chest. I broke out my inhaler, nebulizer and even spent sometime on my non-invasive vent. None of which helped enough that I felt comfortable, so to the ER I went.

    To my surprise, they actually were fairly decent about aggressively treating me and hit me with all sorts of things including: breathing treatments, iv steroids, and magnesium. They did a chest x-ray and then a chest ct to rule out any blood clots. I was there for many hours and felt comfortable enough to go home around midnight. I was sent home with higher dose steroids and antibiotics.

    If you have never high dose steroids, you are lucky. They come with a slew of side effects. For example, it’s currently 3am and I am wide awake and wishing for an entire meal to eat. Similarly, I ate more today in a day than I have for 2-3 days. It’s not pretty. The insomnia and hyperactivity is rough too. Add on nebs every 4-6 hours and you are shaking and all over the place. I am not sure how this was ever normal for me, but I appreciate the break while it lasted. At one time, I would end up in the ER overnight, get some treatments and then go to work around 7am and work a full day.

    Now, there are decisions to make. Do I contact my pulmonologist? Do I need more meds. Do I need to go back to the ER if nebs every 4 hours aren’t cutting it. Will they admit me? When will I get sleep? How will this affect the rest of my health problems?

    It’s never easy to deal with chronic illness. There always seems to be something hanging around to take you down. My best advice is to handle it, get the answers to your questions, and fight like hell. It boils down to “Don’t let the hard days win!” My mantra for living. After all, I have survived 100% of my bad days!