Fiercely Independent Pam

Tag: truth

  • Two Different Lives: What a Difference a Shower Can Make!

    Today I did something I haven’t done in years. I took a shower two days in a row. This might seem trivial to most of you, unless you have chronic illness and/or pain, you wouldn’t understand. I am not ashamed to say that usually I can only manage two showers a week, and that is with caregiver help. These showers exhaust me to the point of needing to lie down and sleep immediately after most of the time.

    With the help of my medical team, we secured additional services to help with the showering. Mainly this consisted of an OT to teach me “tricks” that conserve energy while showering. Last week was a “dry run” and we problem solved some issues. I ordered a new shower caddy to limit the amount of twisting and bending to grab bottles, soap, and washcloths. The OT also shifted my handheld closer to my shower chair. I am still researching the best sponge with a handle type of thing to reach my back and legs for rough days. I’m also awaiting a new gadget to help with applying lotion by myself.

    I haven’t talked about it much, but I use a medical wearable called Visible that helps keep me on pace to conserve energy (think spoon theory meets technology). I’ll write a post and maybe a video that goes more in depth about this powerful tool, but for now, know that it is amazing and gives real, usable data to everyday symptoms. Previously, my showers cost me an average of 1.3 points (I only get 14 a day). After these changes by the OT, my shower this morning only cost me 0.8 points and more importantly, I didn’t end up crashing into bed after. Remember also that I showered yesterday as well.

    I sometimes talk about the life I used to have versus the life I have now. Neither is better than the other, it’s about what you make of it and knowing that God, above all else, puts you exactly where you need to be. In my “previous life” I jumped out of bed and showered every day, something I couldn’t do now, but you know what? Those showers in my “old life” often were the perfect environment for daily tears when I was completely overwhelmed by my job, my situation, and life in general. I couldn’t let others see this side of me so I had to hide, the shower provided the perfect place to do this.

    So, I might not be able to shower every morning after bounding out of bed, but I no longer hide and cry in the shower. Like I said before, neither is better than the other, but the wisdom lies in the perspective of having lived through both lives. Every season or life we live teaches us something, the trick is to try to learn the lesson at the time and not through hindsight.

  • Gifts: My Formal Love Language

    Yesterday, I received an unexpected gift from someone. This gesture made me think about gifts in general. I love finding the perfect gift for someone. Sometimes this means I randomly give a friend something for no “real reason” except to see their reaction to what I found. Other times this means that when I am expected to give a gift, say a birthday or holiday, and I can’t find something “good,” I get frustrated. Gifts are definitely my love language. I love giving and receiving them.

    As an educator, my desk, office, or classroom was always filled with special gifts. Sometimes it was a dandelion, other times it was a memento from a family trip. They were and still are special because a child or parent thought of me when they were doing something else. My apartment (and storage unit) is filled with these special gifts. I love seeing them on a regular basis. For the most part, I can tell you who gave me what and what the occasion was. From the little Eiffel Tower from Paris to the set of diamond earrings, they bring a memory to life for me.

    I am blessed with many friends who love to give gifts too. The many treasures throughout my apartment that remind me of deep relationships with college friends turned sisters, roommates, and mentors throughout the years. I am a sucker for a good memento and my dusting challenges reflect that. After I moved into my current community, I was able to unpack these important pieces of my life. The chalkboard piece from SHM School, the random Mickey ears from Disney trips, my collection of crosses from students and families, and of course my favorite M&M collectibles, all have a special place in my living quarters as well as my heart.

    Gifts are a way to share a special moment, they allow us to speak of love without saying a word. My inbox currently reflects a random purchase for a friend. Not for an upcoming birthday or event, but just something that I know speaks of caring for that person- a simple, “I thought of you today.”

    How do you gift? Do you like giving and/or receiving gifts? What is your most treasured gift?

  • Pain, Pain, Go Away: Attempting to Quell the Monster!

    Pain is a force to be reckoned with. Sometimes you can prepare yourself for the pain. Surgeries or the beginning of an illness send signals to your brain that pain is coming. Other times, like after an injury or when something happens quickly your body can’t prepare itself but still you know where and why the pain is present. Nevertheless, pain is a monster that can be difficult to quell.

    Then there is the other kind of pain. The ever present reminder that your body is not normal. Whether it be a headache, backache, stomach/abdominal pain, or leg pain, chronic pain is a monster at a whole different level. Like a “friend” who clings to you, regardless of what you do to “shake” him off. A popped Tylenol or heat/ice pack may make him “shut up” but he’s still there clinging to you.

    Each morning you wake up and check to see the status of your clingy “friend.” Sometimes you think it’s clear and you begin to celebrate, only to find that he’s not only present, but brought more clingy people.

    I think it’s important to note, that people with chronic pain do an excel at “masking” their pain, and you do not know they are in pain simply by looking at them. The pain is always there, sometimes it’s a good day or even an hour, but there is always an expectation of payback for that good time.

    Chronic pain is something I struggle with each day. While it’s mostly in my head/back/abdomen/leg, it can be present anywhere. It exhausts me. Sometimes, the only thing I can do to quiet the force is sleep. I’ve tried injections for my back and head. While I enjoyed telling people I got Botox, I didn’t see great results. I now give myself 1 injection a month for chronic migraines and another once a week for Rheumatoid Arthritis.

    Along with the injections, I supplement with ice/heat as well as some minerals like magnesium.I also use braces or compression garments that seem to help. I try very hard to not take pain medication on a regular basis, unless I feel that I have lost the battle and need to get relief.

    Pain medications are funny things. Not only to you have to practically promise your first born to get a prescription, but once you have a prescription you are viewed as a “user” if you actually take them. I am changing my pain management care from a medication free practice (didn’t know this at the time of starting with them), to a mixed use type of practice and hoping for the best.

    I hate taking pain medications! Besides the side effects, I feel like I have given up. I hate that I end up in bed anyway. I especially hate asking for them in the emergency room or hospital setting.

    So, what are we to do? Chronic pain is here to stay. I can accept my clingy “friend” or chase him away with pills that leave me feeling worse than before at times. I choose to fight this battle, using meds only when I need a “time-out” to quiet the monster.