Fiercely Independent Pam

Tag: positivity

  • Lucky Day “19!”… What Will the Day Bring?

    The number 19 has always held a special place for me as it’s my birthday number. I have also found a lot of people in my life who share this fact with me- kind cool! Being a goalie meant that using 19 as my uniform number for lacrosse wasn’t an option, but on random days I put on a real jersey for fun, I always tried to get my “19.” Today’s number 19 is different. Today, marks the 19th day of being in the hospital this “go-around.” For what started as a fever of unknown origin and being “dumped” in the observation area, I’ve come a long way. I have decided open heart surgery wasn’t on my bingo card for this year. I was thinking, worst case scenario-I would have some sort of superbug that required expensive IV antibiotics and a good amount of TLC needed.

    Instead, I will, eventually, have life changing surgery with hopefully positive outcomes for everyone, but especially me! I was dreaming this morning about my dog again and how much the comfort of dog would’ve been yesterday when I was struggling. I accepted reality quickly yesterday, surgery wasn’t going to happen as planned, everything would be pushed back, and of course that also opened the door that I would be alone for surgery. I was in a sucky place emotionally and wasn’t quite sure how to get out of it. As a mentioned before, all my anxiety/depression medications got pulled and are on hold at this time, meaning I am doing this on my own(but with the loving help of my friends and family.

    In order to get my head back straight and be a pleasant person to be around again, I knew a few things would have to happen. The first, and probably most important, was finding food. I was closing in on the 24 hour mark for no food or drink and that is something 100% of the time is NOT good for me. I went from wanting a giant sundae to deciding to get some yummy Vietnamese food including a wonderful summer roll and chicken pho. I am looking forward to leftovers today too.

    After food and drinks, it was time to get back to some general pain management, I was trying to “tough it out” and realized there was no good reason for that! The final step was some good, restorative sleep with my non-invasive vent. I woke up today in a good head space again and hopefully stay in this positive place.

    I ask not to pause the prayers for the surgery but to redirect them for positive days ahead as we work through family coverage, next steps, infectious disease questions, and long term needs. Additionally, since I am back on lasix again, please say some direct prayers that the staff (and me) don’t go crazy with all these wires every 10 seconds that I have to get to the toilet and back again. Talk about dragging your baggage around!

  • I’ve Arrived…For the First Time in A While, I am Able to Rest and Not be Constantly On Guard!

    Well after way too many days waiting, my transfer finally went through and I found my way home to MUSC in Charleston. The ride was less than comfortable, as storms broke out as we crossed most of the bridges and my bottom was absorbing most of the impact of being on a stretcher. Nonetheless, we found our way to the cardio-thorastic unit. I was quickly welcomed by a team of a resident, two nurses, and a tech. My room wasn’t flashy like the last one, but it made sense and allows for a job to be done. After a quick trip to the bathroom, we hit the ground running with questions, answers, med reconciliations, wires and more wires, and of course a quick time out to order dinner. I was super excited that they not only had a dedicated gluten free menu, but that it was 2 pages long and full of new food choices!

    By 7:30pm, which is the official shift change, I was exhausted and looking forward to a short break between nursing changes as well as some dinner. By the time dinner came, I had met with 3 different doctors on the unit, multiple nurses, a PA, and new x-rays were taken of my chest and head/shunt. Before any decisions would be made about possible shunt complications, a new ct of my head, neck, and abdomen were ordered. It was so nice to have my nurse and tech accompany me to the CT. By the time we were returning from CT, I had a horrible building chest pain, nausea, and overall feeling sucky. I gave it some time and then finally called “uncle.” within a few minutes a couple of providers came in and ordered some more x-rays, lab work, and an EKG. They were most concerned with the building fluid in my lungs. Apparently the fluid continued buildup so the decision was made to start me on IV lasix, which of course means more trips to the bathroom than anything else.

    The shunt series came out ok, and neurosurgery already signed off that no interactions are necessary at this time, which is a mega- bonus. My heart enzymes continue to climb and are being monitored, the lasix is doing its job and I am beginning to not rattle as much in my lungs. I figured I would take this early, but quiet moment to type up an update as I have a sneaky suspicion that today is going to get a little crazy with more tests, procedures, and questions/answers. I know they want to repeat the TEE and see if the vegetation has continued to grow or if the antibiotics are starting to help knock it down some. Other than that, I still need to meet the attending and the rest of his team, touch base with my immunology team, as well as endocrinology and everyone else who wants “in” on my complicated case. I am hoping to have a plan with some tentative dates by the end of today, but that might be a little too hopeful.

    For now, I wait to see what comes next. I am confident that it’s going to be a whirlwind of a day, as will the next couple. I am enjoying the high level of knowledge, care, and concern. Hopefully my meals will continue to be yummy, pain meds come when I need them, and I am able to work with my team to come up with a successful treatment plan.

  • Hop on The Struggle Bus…

    I’m having a “moment” just frustrating not much more. Between my new lumbar fracture and beautiful back brace to wear, budget concerns, and not feeling my best, I want nothing more than to stay positive, but sometimes it’s a hard thing to do. I did decide to come outside and chill out with my plants and flowers on my patio.

    Have you ever felt just so overwhelmed that you’re not sure what to do? I have found that doing nothing is the worst thing, so I always try to find some sunlight and nature to ground me. I am so fortunate to have a wonderful patio that allows me to reconnect with nature.

    I know today’s struggle bus is brought on from a great night last night. I went to our local minor league baseball game for my nephew’s birthday party. Watching the game, the bat dog, and my family enjoying each other was great. Climbing stairs, being out late, and eating junk, not as great. I am taking it easy today and resting when my body says so. With much luck I will be back to myself in the morning.

    Besides grounding myself with nature, I have found that there is always something good to be thankful for. Today, I am thankful for my new wheelchair cushion. It’s pretty fancy and with any luck will stop me from having any new pressure sores. The best part is that it was actually covered by Medicare so I didn’t have to cut into my already tight budget.

    I am thinking of launching something new, and that is also taking up energy in my mind. More details on that to come… for now, trying to stay positive and grounded to what really matters!