Fiercely Independent Pam

Tag: faith

  • Faith and a Four Legged Friend…

    Faith is believing that what is meant to happen, will happen. I believe in some things so much, that they are true. This is with people, events, and more. Faith can be as big as a warm embrace or as tiny as a single mustard seed and still work out. It’s knowing that certain things have happened, or even will happen. I am full of faith.

    I live my faith as a Catholic. I pray for Mary to intercede for me and clear the clutter in my mind and world. I utilize powerful tools like the Rosary and receiving Jesus in the Eucharist. These streghtn my faith and beliefs, as well as hopefully guiding others to a deeper faith.

    Faith is a funny thing, because on dark days or moment your faith in something or someone can falter causing you to lose faith. Losing faith is a scary thing. I have been through many dark times, where I questioned my faith and felt like I truly “lost it.” A rememdy I have found is my deep devotion to Mary, under the title of “Undoer of Knots.” The simple image of Mother Mary holding a ribbon (symbolic of our life) with both hands, with one side of the ribbon being riddled with knots and the other (after she took care of the ribbon) being smooth and beautiful strikes me every time. I ask Mary to undo the knots of my life and know that through her intercession to the Most Holy Trinity, my life will be smoother and more beautiful.

    I wanted to write about faith because of the events of yesterday. It was a big day! I traveled 2 1/2 hours each way inland to a special place. It was my interview for PAALS, the organization that I am hopefully going to receive my service dog from. It was my first time visiting their facility and I couldn’t be more impressed with what they accomplish.

    After a long and detailed interview, I was treated to interacting with a service dog in training, aptly named, Faith. She was warm, friendly, and full of good dog slobber and simply amazing! I forgot how much I loved kisses from a big slobbering dog! She quickly attended to the task at hand and helped me look good when fumbled through the cues. Then, she quickly and excitedly picked up a pill bottle I “dropped” as well as a tv remote. Both objects were placed directly in my hand. I could tell she loved working for working sake, but the praise of “YES!” and the treat didn’t hurt either! We then walked a short distance and she did great with my walker (despite having not worked with a walker before). She definitely earned a gold star from this teacher.

    It was not until I landed back in the car that the full impact of Faith’s name hit me… I immediately thought of a small decoration that sits in my bathroom featuring Woodstock planting a garden. It simply says, “Faith is for the things that take a while!” I believe this is exactly what this process is teaching me. When I applied to PAALS, I knew the process was going to be long but oh so worth it! I just need to have faith in the process and the end result.

    I won’t bore you with the nitty gritty details that I learned about the process, but there are several more steps to complete before I get to share my bed with a wet -nosed fabulous creature! There will be A LOT of fundraising opportunities and I will be asking for your help in this regard, but I’m not putting the cart before the horse!

    Oh and faith sometimes means rewarding yourself with something special. The trip inland included a stop at the famous Buc-ee’s. I saw these amazing pajamas and treated myself to them to commemorate the amazing day! If you have never stopped at Buc-ee’s before, be prepared to be overwhelmed!

    Christmas/ Dog PJ’s found and bought at Buc-ee’s
    Mary Undoer of Knots

  • Two Different Lives: What a Difference a Shower Can Make!

    Today I did something I haven’t done in years. I took a shower two days in a row. This might seem trivial to most of you, unless you have chronic illness and/or pain, you wouldn’t understand. I am not ashamed to say that usually I can only manage two showers a week, and that is with caregiver help. These showers exhaust me to the point of needing to lie down and sleep immediately after most of the time.

    With the help of my medical team, we secured additional services to help with the showering. Mainly this consisted of an OT to teach me “tricks” that conserve energy while showering. Last week was a “dry run” and we problem solved some issues. I ordered a new shower caddy to limit the amount of twisting and bending to grab bottles, soap, and washcloths. The OT also shifted my handheld closer to my shower chair. I am still researching the best sponge with a handle type of thing to reach my back and legs for rough days. I’m also awaiting a new gadget to help with applying lotion by myself.

    I haven’t talked about it much, but I use a medical wearable called Visible that helps keep me on pace to conserve energy (think spoon theory meets technology). I’ll write a post and maybe a video that goes more in depth about this powerful tool, but for now, know that it is amazing and gives real, usable data to everyday symptoms. Previously, my showers cost me an average of 1.3 points (I only get 14 a day). After these changes by the OT, my shower this morning only cost me 0.8 points and more importantly, I didn’t end up crashing into bed after. Remember also that I showered yesterday as well.

    I sometimes talk about the life I used to have versus the life I have now. Neither is better than the other, it’s about what you make of it and knowing that God, above all else, puts you exactly where you need to be. In my “previous life” I jumped out of bed and showered every day, something I couldn’t do now, but you know what? Those showers in my “old life” often were the perfect environment for daily tears when I was completely overwhelmed by my job, my situation, and life in general. I couldn’t let others see this side of me so I had to hide, the shower provided the perfect place to do this.

    So, I might not be able to shower every morning after bounding out of bed, but I no longer hide and cry in the shower. Like I said before, neither is better than the other, but the wisdom lies in the perspective of having lived through both lives. Every season or life we live teaches us something, the trick is to try to learn the lesson at the time and not through hindsight.

  • Where Do You Find God When You Have Chronic Illness?

    I am a “cradle Catholic”, meaning I was raised Catholic and continue to practice my faith. I have always been proud to be Catholic and find the traditions, prayers, and consistency key to deepening my faith. Don’t get me wrong, there has been many, many times that I have lost my way or questioned my faith, but somehow I am always drawn back to the Rock-my God.

    I longed to go to Catholic School as a kid, and that longing grew stronger, but it was never in the cards due to financial strains. So, when looking at colleges, I knew I had to give my best effort to attend a Catholic College. It was a goal I set and achieved, I attending the College of Notre Dame of Maryland, now known as Notre Dame of Maryland University. It is a small, liberal arts university that is unique not only in history, but in its Catholic faith. I found that my desire to teach came directly from God, a calling from Him to reach His children.

    I also found a wonderful group of sisters, mostly School Sisters of Notre Dame (SSND), who inspired me on my journey to become my best self, as a woman, as well as a teacher. I was challenged to take more leadership roles and consider the life of an administrator. God called to me through the SSND’s in a way I was not prepared for. Their caring and thoughtful mentorship and teaching, showed me another way of life. That is that I did not need to be the richest or most powerful, but that I needed only to fulfill the desire of God’s plan for me.

    I became the teacher I wanted to be and aimed to be the administrator that I was called to be, but all this ended in a big way when chronic illness took over my life. At first, my mental health took a downward spiral, forcing me to move to be closer to family. Then, my physical health, including brain surgery, frequent asthma attacks, and a growing list of problems forced me out of education all together. I often questioned why God has chosen this path for me.

    It wasn’t until I mourned the passing of both my parents, that I realized God wasn’t doing anything against me, but for me. I wouldn’t have traded the times I had with my parents last years, months, and hours for anything. These memories will forever live in my heart.

    The same holds true with chronic illness and my relationship with God, hindsight shows me that God was trying to tell/teach me something, but my stubbornness gets in the way sometimes.

    I am not one who likes to give advice, but please know that God is always working through you. You may feel like he is a million miles away, but somehow, someway he is working through you.