Fiercely Independent Pam

Tag: bulldog

  • One Cow Valve Coming Right Up!

    It has definitely been some time since I added a blog post. Creative juices are struggling and honestly I am not sure what to “report.” I know I have a lot to digest- there were many struggles to having this all take place. I have been telling everyone that open heart surgery wasn’t on the bingo card for the year. Honestly, I am not sure how all of this transpired to be here for the year. I am struggling with the idea that if something is going to go wrong, it will with me. The chances of having a central line infection are always going to be there. The actual event of having a central line infection hits differently. You feel like you have been chosen for something you must have done wrong. Missed wiping a cap or cleaning the line 6 seconds instead of a full 10. Maybe it was missing a dose of meds or…

    Several “strikes” came out against me as well.Once I got transfer orders, it still took several days to get to my destination and plan for surgery. then surgery got canceled due to situations beyond anyone’s control. The second surgery attempt was canceled due to a bad UTI bug, and then finally the third attempt was successful.

    The final surgery was so successful that I barely spent anytime in the ICU, which I guess ended up being a good thing, but it created a lot of unnecessary stress. Looking back, that was so far ago. It was scary and more than anything very stressful. I am happy to be part of the decision making again. It’s very hard for me to give up my independence as well as my ability to be an active member in my care.

    I have been saying there are two points that, when followed, will help everyone be on the same page and lessen stress and anxiety. The first is to simply tell me what someone is going to do, BEFORE it is done. small things like adjusting the bed or removing tape can seem to come out of left field, to take 3 seconds and explain what is going to happen goes a long way and reduces stress. The second is to be aware of other things going on, such as my leg wound or similar. There really should be no reason why the leg wound is touched or bumped into if the provider is aware that the problem is present.

    That’s the ugly part. It takes away from the pretty and special part. I am blessed to have nurses and techs that’s want to make my stay wonderful. These are the ones who go out of the way to give a real bath with soap and water and not just some cold wipes that itch. They are the individuals who sneak through the cafeteria to swipe some jelly because, honestly gluten free toast isn’t very good without some flavor. I respect these individuals so much, I am aware that I am less than a picnic in the park but I really value these folks that meet me half way and acknowledge how much I contend with.

    The bottom line is spending almost a month in a situation that no-one wants to be in is taxing. My bed is calling my name and it will appreciate my new found strength to move around it freely again. Processing the surgery itself is going to take some time. I honestly wasn’t ready for the depth and life- changing part. It wasn’t until I saw my incision that the impact hit me. I don’t want to play the game, about other people and similar surgeries, since all of us have had a unique path to get to where we are headed. I am happy with what needed to get done and how it got done. I’ve been routinely told to trust the team and trust the process. I found this harder to do than deal with the pain and annoyingness of the surgery itself.

    Today, this adventure continued. I moved to intense rehab, where I receive at least 3 hours of rehab each day. Evaluations in all areas were conducted today and I was challenged to stay awake through all of them! We started the morning cleaning up at the sink and tomorrow will be another SHOWER day, which means I will be exhausted afterwards. I demonstrated my strengths and weakness as they relate to getting dressed and setting myself up for success for the day. I would be a liar, if I didn’t say it felt pretty good to see myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth or fixing my hair. It also felt wonderful to wear real clothes and not a hospital gown.

    As I continue to progress in therapy, (my biggest hurdle at this point is endurance, I look forward to meeting goals of returning to pre-surgical status, but also reinventing my “normal’ to be a little harder and a little more protective of what I once was able to do! Please continue to pray for me and my success in this endeavor!

  • Happy Birthday to ME! This is 47!

    So today is the day! I’ve learned to embrace birthdays and make them super special! After all, I’ve been through so much, that birthdays are an important reminder that I have survived 100% of my bad days!

    Birthdays are an important reminder that I have made it further than people thought I would. My whole life has been an uphill battle with myself. Since early childhood and through my teenage years I battled random illnesses and issues. I have been called a “Bulldog” . And I feel like that is quite fitting for my personality.

    Today, I will celebrate. Somehow I ended up with a “cupcake” theme. My nail tech painted a cupcake on my nails, I ordered and received a cupcake for my wheelchair joystick, and managed to find a cupcake sticker for my Dexcom cgm. I feel like I need to buy some cupcakes to share! I also got a balloon to attach to my wheelchair for the day!

    This is last year’s post. At that time I was just settling in to a wonderful community, finished my service dog application and begun the wait process, and excited to share the day with new friends. This year is much of the same, but a renewed effort to discover what I can give to others. Through my technology offerings, other ideas, and remaining positive, I hope I am able to influence people more than just purchasing products.

    Today, I tried something new- holding my breath that it comes through for me and then I will share. The best thing you can do to help is make sure you are following me on my socials and commenting when possible. Oh and of course I am open to any/all prayers.

    Celebrate birthdays, don’t be afraid of getting older, make the memories, and enjoy the attention!

    A pink balloon with colorful poka-dots- that reads "Happy Birthday!"
    A small cupcake with colorful sprinkles and a red cherry that also is joystick cover for a power wheelchair!

  • Manifesting, Is it Just Good Luck?

    The English language is tough. So many words have various meanings that just don’t make sense. Take the word, manifest or manifesting, for example. Are we talking about a ship/plane’s document, willing something into being, or seeing something differently? It’s a difficult thing to master for sure.

    Back to manifest or manifesting, I’m not sure if its my stubborn personality that has been called bulldog- like, or my never ending patience to see something through, but I believe in the power of manifesting something into being. My father used to comment on my ability to make something happen though nothing sort of pure will and a LOT of hard work.

    When I was in high school (way too long ago), I made a habit of taking classes that I really had no business taking. Mostly AP or honor level classes. I knew that I wasn’t ever going to be an “A” student, so I might as well take the harder classes and work harder for my “B”, or sometimes worse. It was a system that paid off for me in more ways than one. First, I had better teachers, most of which figured out my plan and supported it. Second, I was exposed to better curriculums that required critical thinking. Third, and most importantly, I got some general education credits out of the way to allow me to take a ridiculous course load in college.

    It was during my first AP class, European History, that I earned my title as a Bulldog. I remember it vividly, my teacher sent me a note (a real paper note through the mail) that simply said “A 3!!! You are a Bulldog!!!” The number 3 was my score, it meant that I would get credit for the course in college and throughout the school year it seems that a 3 was WAY out of reach for me. I didn’t know it at the time, but it taught me that I can manifest something into being. It didn’t only take my brain to work, but a lot of hard work and patience.

    And so it went for many more classes. There was honors chemistry where I know the only reason I passed was because I promised my teacher that I would never torture another chem teacher by taking another chemistry class. The joke was on me when I ended up roommates and best buds with a chemistry major!

    Fast forward beyond high school and college. If I set my mind to something, it happened. It was never easy, but I successfully manifested things like becoming a principal, running a half-marathon, attaining enrollment goals, fundraising for specific causes, adding programs, losing (and then gaining) weight. If I put my mind, heart, prayers, and work into making something happen, it did. These were great times.

    Except when it didn’t happen. No amount of hard work, prayers, or manifesting could stop my school from closing or getting sick, or losing my parents. It’s taking me a long time to realize this is where I gained my fuel for manifesting other things into being. The unsuccessful attempts drive me to be more patient, say more prayers, and work harder.

    I am ready for success to happen to me again. I learned to dream and put good thoughts back into the universe. The bulldog is awake! Today, I received positive news on something I am working super hard at manifesting into being- think wet noses. I am calling this the “Why Not Me?” phase/era of my life. (Thank you Kelli Gerardi) Good things can happen to anyone, so why not to me? Some people get the fairy tale endings, why can’t I get it too?

    I’ve learned that luck has nothing to do with manifesting something. It may help, but hard work, prayers, and patience will win every time!