Fiercely Independent Pam

Category: About Me

  • Do Your “Fancy” Clothes Hold Memories?

    Recently, I emptied a wardrobe box from my storage unit. I was hoping to find a treasure chest of clothes that would fit my current size, but instead I found a box full of memories in the form of “fancy” clothes. To be fair, I packed this box over eight years ago, so I really couldn’t remember what was in it. As I opened each outfit, mostly dresses for “fancy” outings or events, I recalled memories attached to each item.

    In my past life as a principal, I attended several functions a year that I would consider “fancy.” There was always graduation, something that I believed always required tasteful, professional attire and loved to shop for something new each year. Some of the dresses were from graduations. Other dresses were from gala’s attended or other society type fundraisers. And then there were the specific event pieces. My favorite was my white and black dress suit that I bought for the closing Mass at my first school. I loved that outfit and it was perfect for the event. Tasteful, elegant, and it stood out; showing others that I was not afraid of what was to come, but still honoring the past. There was also the suit set that I purchased and wore for my first national speaking gig.

    Then there were the dresses yet to be worn, just hanging there, in a way that asked, “What happened?’ I always picked up dresses that were on sale that would fit my needs so that I was never in a panic to find something last minute. Still, these unworn dresses reminded me that the life I had came to a suddent stop. There weren’t anymore graduations to lead or Masses to attend, or Gala’s.

    Instead of hitting me like a ton of bricks and catapulting me backwards into darkness, I found amusement in the fact that my current wardrobe is reminiscent of my college times and I no longer fight to get into Spanx just to be able to zip up a ‘fancy” dress for an event. The fanciest I get these days is a sweater with a pair of jeans. As much as I miss the excitement of the events I would wear these dresses to, I do not miss the stress of it all. I much prefer my jeans, shorts, and t-shirts to these dresses.

    Now the question is “What do I do with these dresses?” I want to keep the classics that can be worn regardless of trends because weddings happen, I hope to attend a fundraiser or two for organizations I believe in, and most importantly, money is tighter than ever and I am no longer in a place to afford such nice clothes. I am going to have them all dry-cleaned and then decide what I can donate and to where. I want to do that purposely. That is, I want these statement pieces to live on and promote someone’s independence. For my blue ball gown I hope it finds a home in theatre. As for my awesome dress suit, I may just have to hold on to it a little bit longer.

    As I side note, I could only take myself so seriously when going through this wardrobe box because apparently plastic dry-cleaning bags begin to disintegrate after time and make tiny pieces of clear plastic “snow” EVERYWHERE!! My apartment looked like a snow globe. It was so bad that I even broke out my own vacuum and pretended I had the energy to clean up. Luckily, I had some wonderful help in that area!

    How do you give life to your collection of “fancy” clothes? Do you hold on to them just for the sake of memories or just in case you might need them? What kind of charities could use this type of clothing? Please help me out!

    An Example of some “fancy clothes.” Presenting in Orlando at a National Conference!

  • Fifty Pounds Gone: My Journey of Weight Loss (This Time)!

    I’ve always struggled with my weight. I honestly do not remember a time that I wasn’t overweight, except a brief time that I worked hard to lose a lot of weight and quickly gained it back. I have always lived by the idea that it was better the maintain than to yo-yo back and forth and feel trapped by my weight.

    Fast forward to the last five plus years of chronic high dose steroids, diabetes, and a slew of health issues, my weight ballooned to a ridiculously new high. For the first time, I felt uncomfortable in my own body, my weight impacted everything and definitely did not help my health issues.

    Unlike the last time I made a major effort to lose weight(about 15 years ago), I didn’t seek out a program or system to follow. I was lucky, something found me. My orthopedic’s office signed me up for something called Prescribe FIT. This is a 1-1 program where I was matched with a health coach and complete virtual visits weekly. They also sent me a bluetooth scale that links directly to their incredible app.

    I use the app daily to weigh in, report on goals set, and can even enter water and nutrition daily. My weekly virtual visits with Anna are great, we check in on weekly goals, struggles, and brainstorm new approaches. It’s a good balance between self-sufficiency and ongoing support.

    Today, I reached just past the fifty pound mark and losing 20% of my starting weight in early May! I am also about eighty pounds down from my max, a little over a year ago. I am quickly looking forward to my next short-term goal of being “just” overweight and not obese. I am struggling to find clothes that aren’t too big and that feels wonderful! For the first time in a very long time, I am wearing “regular” sized clothes and not plus sized. Other people are noticing and that too is a great feeling.

    I will continue doing what I am doing, I think i’ve found my stride in this journey. I appreciate the support from Prescribe FIT, my health coach, Anna, my healthcare team, my family/friends, and everyone who is helping cheer me on along the way!

  • An Un-Modest Update on My Stupid Bladder!

    Now that I have “mastered” the art of self-catheterization, it has just become part of my everyday (well every 4-6 hour) lifestyle. I am successful outside of my own bathroom and having few issues with the process. The biggest point of frustration with my bladder and the process is having to be always prepared. I have a small cosmetic bag full of any necessary supplies. Most of the time, I remember it if I am going somewhere without my wheelchair(I keep it on the back of my wheelchair).

    In the spirit of losing all modesty, medically speaking, I also want to disclose my other issues with what I like to call, “My Stupid Bladder.” I am dealing with incredible urgency issues- like a 3 year-old- who just left the house after being told told to use the bathroom before getting in the car, but of course did not have to go- issues- BOOM! They can be painful and because of recent events, I cannot move quickly to get to the toilet all the time. If I am out of my apartment, it complicates matters even more.

    Additionally, despite not being able to successfully urinate on demand, my stupid bladder leaks. This I believe is the worst symptom, as it is unpredictable, unpleasant, and embarrassing. I have found good success with my favorite Lil Helper reusable pads and “system” These usually prevent leaks from being a bigger problem, as I stubbornly refuse to start bringing a change of clothes with me places. I highly recommend them for both urinary and period issues. SO much more comfortable than disposables and such a better option for the environment. They are super easy to “deal with and clean.”

    This past Thursday, I went back to MUSC for more bladder studies and an appointment with my wonderful urologist. I completed a urodynamics video study that required not much more than my lack of care for modesty. Basically, I sat on a converted table-to-chair where various catheters were placed to record bladder “strength” and other measurements. I then received a large amount of fluid into my bladder that contained contrast material. During the filling, various x-rays were taken of my bladder and vitals were kept.

    The nurse recorded when I reported that my bladder was feeling full and would need to urinate soon, needed to urinate immediately, and feeling immense pressure to urinate. She then told me to try “going” which of course was unsuccessful. She then cathed me and I felt immediately relieved!

    After cleaning up, changing, and getting settled into a regular room, the urologist came in and started talking. The study showed that although my bladder can hold a large amount (thank you teaching), it cannot empty on its own. So in addition to being “a floppy bladder,” it also shows signs of detrusor under-activity (essentially the muscle used to empty the bladder is weak). He recommended trying an additional medication to help with all my symptoms as well as starting botox treatments for my bladder.

    Botox would be administered via the urethra and would involve many injections each treatment(30-50). None of this sounds like fun and would need to be repeated every six months or so in the urologist’s office. The upside would be that If/when it works, I should be completely dry! So that part is very exciting! I am signed up to start in 6-8 weeks.

    So there it is. There is nothing glamorous about any of this and yet the self-catheterization process is in a weird way, empowering. The learning curve was steep and medical professionals seem to always be impressed that I mastered it. I see it as one more thing to keep track of, that is needing to always be sure I have enough supplies on hand, do my part to prevent UTI’s, and keep smiling!

    I will be sure to keep you updated on my bladder, and I was about to apologize for the more “graphic/medical” approach to this post, but feel strongly that more information needs to be shared about this “private” matter. Like I said, my modesty is out the window, anyway! Please reach out to me if you have any questions, especially if you are going through bladder issues.