Fiercely Independent Pam

Category: Mental Health

  • Where Do You Find God When You Have Chronic Illness?

    I am a “cradle Catholic”, meaning I was raised Catholic and continue to practice my faith. I have always been proud to be Catholic and find the traditions, prayers, and consistency key to deepening my faith. Don’t get me wrong, there has been many, many times that I have lost my way or questioned my faith, but somehow I am always drawn back to the Rock-my God.

    I longed to go to Catholic School as a kid, and that longing grew stronger, but it was never in the cards due to financial strains. So, when looking at colleges, I knew I had to give my best effort to attend a Catholic College. It was a goal I set and achieved, I attending the College of Notre Dame of Maryland, now known as Notre Dame of Maryland University. It is a small, liberal arts university that is unique not only in history, but in its Catholic faith. I found that my desire to teach came directly from God, a calling from Him to reach His children.

    I also found a wonderful group of sisters, mostly School Sisters of Notre Dame (SSND), who inspired me on my journey to become my best self, as a woman, as well as a teacher. I was challenged to take more leadership roles and consider the life of an administrator. God called to me through the SSND’s in a way I was not prepared for. Their caring and thoughtful mentorship and teaching, showed me another way of life. That is that I did not need to be the richest or most powerful, but that I needed only to fulfill the desire of God’s plan for me.

    I became the teacher I wanted to be and aimed to be the administrator that I was called to be, but all this ended in a big way when chronic illness took over my life. At first, my mental health took a downward spiral, forcing me to move to be closer to family. Then, my physical health, including brain surgery, frequent asthma attacks, and a growing list of problems forced me out of education all together. I often questioned why God has chosen this path for me.

    It wasn’t until I mourned the passing of both my parents, that I realized God wasn’t doing anything against me, but for me. I wouldn’t have traded the times I had with my parents last years, months, and hours for anything. These memories will forever live in my heart.

    The same holds true with chronic illness and my relationship with God, hindsight shows me that God was trying to tell/teach me something, but my stubbornness gets in the way sometimes.

    I am not one who likes to give advice, but please know that God is always working through you. You may feel like he is a million miles away, but somehow, someway he is working through you.

  • Newest Health Update: Guess Where I Ended Up?

    This update is coming from no other than the fifth floor of the south tower at Grand Strand Medical Center- my home away from home! UGH!!

    I was minding my own business, and went about my appointments on Wednesday through Friday. It was a total of 6 appointments. On Friday, I was beyond exhausted and tired of dealing with the headache, eye pain/double vision, and a neck that was getting more stiff by the hour.

    Let’s start with Wednesday. I had 3 appointments planned for a great adventure to MUSC. I am forever grateful for a good friend taking me, but the trip did us both in.

    First up at MUSC was an endocrinology routine appointment. I was touching base about my adrenal Insufficiency, diabetes, and pituitary tumor. I left with lab requests, new insulin scales, and a wait and see with the tumor.

    My second appointment was with pre-op (for a bladder procedure on September 8th)They were very detailed orientated and I met with a nurse, doctor, and anesthesiologist. Feeling beyond confident in their hands for 8/6.

    The third appointment, was an adventure to say the least. I was told when I got there that it was much involved than I thought it would be. A catheter would be inserted by urology, then contrast would fill my bladder and pictures would be taken. I was told that people usually need 2-4 bottles of fluid before needed to void. Well at bottle 7 they decided I was full enough. I wanted to pee so much, but of course nothing would come out beyond a couple of drops. I strained and strained too, but no avail.

    So they allowed me to try to void in the toilet, but that was a limited amount too. They took a ton of pictures and then let me cath myself and took more pics. MyChart would provide an update, but need to wait for input from my urologist.

    Finally it was time to go home and we both enjoyed dinner from Raising Cane’s and were beyond zonked!

    Fast forward to Thursday- a head ct to prepare for my neurosurgeon’s appointment on Friday. This was followed with A LOT of napping/chilling out! I also had an amazing dinner with my 2 “grown up” nieces- it was wonderful!

    Now I am stuck at the hospital again. I never made my appointment on Friday (long story) and tried to find a way to have my neurosurgeon give me some advice about the symptoms I was having. Was told to go directly to the ER and get treatment. UGH!

    Click Here for more information about getting my VP shunt and being diagnosed with IIH and/or Click here for an update about my previous admission.

    I am stuck in a crazy cycle: something is wrong with the shunt, but a lumbar puncture (LP) can’t be done until my blood thinners are out of my system. So, I wait, again! In the meantime, neurology put me on antivirals just in case it is meningitis again (viral not the scary bacterial kind).

    I have wonderful nurses and now I am with my favorite doctor here. As I’ve said before, heath care trauma is real and has a lot of consequences for the patient, provider, and others. It’s easy to dismiss patients when they are “profiled” as almost anything, but having mental health diagnoses makes it even easier to profile a patient and not usually in a positive manner.

    My next update will be after my LP on either Tuesday or Wednesday. Between then and now I will practice my patience and try to keep busy! (which would be a lot easier if I didn’t have a bed alarm!)

    Picture of a laptop with wordpress opened and in the middle of writing a blog and hospital room things in the background (TV and wall charts).
    Current Situation!

  • My Life as a Plant…

    My biggest hurdle in dealing with my medical issues, is not the pain, constant appointments, or missing answers, but rather the unbelief of others. Whether it is doctors, nurses, friends, family members, or even strangers, it’s so hard to deal with people who believe that there is no way I could have so much wrong with me. It eats me to my core. I know I have to deal with these feelings and I need to let people have their own feelings, but it’s not easy. Much like a plant, I can weather a storm, but still need some TLC at times.

    I can handle the medical procedures, medications, and pain. I boost myself up and put on a smile along with my crazy curls and deal with what has been handed to me. I believe that it is not to hurt me, but rather teach me and help me be stronger for myself and others. I shut down and wilt like a plant when others don’t believe or think they can solve all my issues.

    Lately, my wilting and shut downs do not portray my best-self. I get upset, cry, and become very anxious. This cycle just keeps me in a place that I do not enjoy, nor does anyone around me. I will continue to work on this but it’s so important and easy to be believed. To the medical world, do your homework, my issues, while mostly invisible, are still very much real. Things like shunts, surgeries, and medications do not happen without having proven needs that are not arbitrary, but reality for myself and thousands of others.

    To my friends and family, it sucks that I am not reliable anymore and that I need help. Please always tell me if I am asking too much or you are not able to help. I promise it will not change our relationship. Ghosting me or not explaining the distance, hurts and will impact our relationship, which I hope neither of us wants. To strangers that feel they need to comment, I will simply let you believe what you want, your comments sting, but frankly, I don’t have the energy to fight for a non-existent relationship.

    All of this might seem a little cold or not like me, but it’s self-preservation at this point. I’ve chosen to subscribe to the “Let Them Theory”, in which I recognize that I cannot force or make anyone do anything, only people can change if they want to. It has been a freeing practice, and has helped me not to stress about relationships.

    For now, I will recognize that my body does not look like a temple, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to treat it that way. I really am the lost plant on clearance begging for a little water, sun, and love. I will push through the ugly soil, but just need to believed that it is possible. My scars and experiences tell a story that I am proud of.