Fiercely Independent Pam

Category: Mental Health

  • Being Positive Smells SO Much Better than Negativity

    I really try to be positive and spread positive thoughts. I am an optimist by nature and believe the best is going to happen. At least, most of the time. Yesterday threw me for a loop to say the least. Instead of my usual positive thoughts, I quickly spiraled into negativity.

    I know how it happened, first my toilet flooded my bathroom. This was followed by being given some bad news at my tele-health doctor’s appointment. Then, I couldn’t schedule my MRI for my hip. I created my own misery and couldn’t get out of it. My usual, positive vibe was no where to be found.

    The toilet flooded because I had a new grab bar type contraption installed due to my potential hip fracture. The contraption made the tank sit uneven, causing it to leak and spill all over the floor. Maintenance was wonderful and took care of everything, but it was still frustrating and definitely not a pleasant or positive event!

    My tele-health was with my urologist at MUSC. It was a follow up from my previous procedures for my “floppy bladder.” I’ll spare you from the nitty gritty details, but I was essentially told that I will most likely have to self-catheterize for the rest of my life and that there is little that can be done to change that. He is going to have me complete a few more tests to see what can help improve the situation, but he was very honest about the fact that he wouldn’t be able to change the outcome too much, even if insurance does approve some things like botox injections and some medications. This hit me HARD! There wasn’t many positive points from the doctor, despite my full respect for his knowledge.

    If mental funk had a smell, I would smell like teenage boy after gym class for sure. I sulked for a while, tried to distract myself, and went to lunch with some of my favorite residents. None of which helped me change the negativity to positive thoughts. I pouted, told others of my woe, and I would’ve stomped my feet if it didn’t hurt so much.

    So, I did something about it… no I didn’t try yoga, deep breathing, meditation, or even prayer- I slept. That’s right, a good ole nap. With the lights and television off and locking my phone to silent, I vegged out and napped for about ninety minutes. I woke up and took stock of my mood, not rainbows and butterflies, but much better. I was officially on the side of being positive over being negative. I went to dinner, laughed with a friend, and decided I was over it.

    Then I did my usual wind-down routine before falling asleep, all knowing that tomorrow was another day to try to stay on the “Sunny Side of Life!” and be positive for myself and others. I did my usual 2am wake up and had a BIG thought… what is stopping me from using the NuStep Bike as an arm bike? That is, why can’t I continue my cardiac rehab using my arms and not my injured leg/hip? Positive thoughts beget positive actions… I need to reboot myself once more to be able to find my frame of thinking.

  • Two Different Lives: What a Difference a Shower Can Make!

    Today I did something I haven’t done in years. I took a shower two days in a row. This might seem trivial to most of you, unless you have chronic illness and/or pain, you wouldn’t understand. I am not ashamed to say that usually I can only manage two showers a week, and that is with caregiver help. These showers exhaust me to the point of needing to lie down and sleep immediately after most of the time.

    With the help of my medical team, we secured additional services to help with the showering. Mainly this consisted of an OT to teach me “tricks” that conserve energy while showering. Last week was a “dry run” and we problem solved some issues. I ordered a new shower caddy to limit the amount of twisting and bending to grab bottles, soap, and washcloths. The OT also shifted my handheld closer to my shower chair. I am still researching the best sponge with a handle type of thing to reach my back and legs for rough days. I’m also awaiting a new gadget to help with applying lotion by myself.

    I haven’t talked about it much, but I use a medical wearable called Visible that helps keep me on pace to conserve energy (think spoon theory meets technology). I’ll write a post and maybe a video that goes more in depth about this powerful tool, but for now, know that it is amazing and gives real, usable data to everyday symptoms. Previously, my showers cost me an average of 1.3 points (I only get 14 a day). After these changes by the OT, my shower this morning only cost me 0.8 points and more importantly, I didn’t end up crashing into bed after. Remember also that I showered yesterday as well.

    I sometimes talk about the life I used to have versus the life I have now. Neither is better than the other, it’s about what you make of it and knowing that God, above all else, puts you exactly where you need to be. In my “previous life” I jumped out of bed and showered every day, something I couldn’t do now, but you know what? Those showers in my “old life” often were the perfect environment for daily tears when I was completely overwhelmed by my job, my situation, and life in general. I couldn’t let others see this side of me so I had to hide, the shower provided the perfect place to do this.

    So, I might not be able to shower every morning after bounding out of bed, but I no longer hide and cry in the shower. Like I said before, neither is better than the other, but the wisdom lies in the perspective of having lived through both lives. Every season or life we live teaches us something, the trick is to try to learn the lesson at the time and not through hindsight.

  • Where Do You Find God When You Have Chronic Illness?

    I am a “cradle Catholic”, meaning I was raised Catholic and continue to practice my faith. I have always been proud to be Catholic and find the traditions, prayers, and consistency key to deepening my faith. Don’t get me wrong, there has been many, many times that I have lost my way or questioned my faith, but somehow I am always drawn back to the Rock-my God.

    I longed to go to Catholic School as a kid, and that longing grew stronger, but it was never in the cards due to financial strains. So, when looking at colleges, I knew I had to give my best effort to attend a Catholic College. It was a goal I set and achieved, I attending the College of Notre Dame of Maryland, now known as Notre Dame of Maryland University. It is a small, liberal arts university that is unique not only in history, but in its Catholic faith. I found that my desire to teach came directly from God, a calling from Him to reach His children.

    I also found a wonderful group of sisters, mostly School Sisters of Notre Dame (SSND), who inspired me on my journey to become my best self, as a woman, as well as a teacher. I was challenged to take more leadership roles and consider the life of an administrator. God called to me through the SSND’s in a way I was not prepared for. Their caring and thoughtful mentorship and teaching, showed me another way of life. That is that I did not need to be the richest or most powerful, but that I needed only to fulfill the desire of God’s plan for me.

    I became the teacher I wanted to be and aimed to be the administrator that I was called to be, but all this ended in a big way when chronic illness took over my life. At first, my mental health took a downward spiral, forcing me to move to be closer to family. Then, my physical health, including brain surgery, frequent asthma attacks, and a growing list of problems forced me out of education all together. I often questioned why God has chosen this path for me.

    It wasn’t until I mourned the passing of both my parents, that I realized God wasn’t doing anything against me, but for me. I wouldn’t have traded the times I had with my parents last years, months, and hours for anything. These memories will forever live in my heart.

    The same holds true with chronic illness and my relationship with God, hindsight shows me that God was trying to tell/teach me something, but my stubbornness gets in the way sometimes.

    I am not one who likes to give advice, but please know that God is always working through you. You may feel like he is a million miles away, but somehow, someway he is working through you.